Dear Richard Madeley: Ever since my affair, my children have been cold and distant

I feel that their mother has provided them with a false narrative – but all I want is a healthy relationship with my kids

My wife and I divorced after 40 years of marriage. Until the last few years I did the lion’s share of caring for her ageing parents, who she didn’t get on with. I also did most of the childcare and was the main breadwinner. In short, I did everything “right”. Then as things deteriorated into endless rows (instigated by her), sulking, and increasingly separate lives, I did one thing ‘wrong’ – I had an affair, and my adultery was cited in our divorce. I have married the woman in question and that side of my life is very happy.
The problem is that it’s been five years since the divorce, and my now grown-up kids are very distant. They never contact me. Never ring or email. When I get in touch, they reply politely, but never ask about my health or anything about my new wife. Christmas is always at their mother’s. We were so close when they were children and even through the divorce. 
Then, nothing.
I am inclined to believe that their mother has fed them a narrative about my wickedness and her victimhood, which is not completely false, as I was the “transgressor” in the marriage’s dying years, but takes no account of her cruelty towards me over many years. And even in the bleakest times I was unswervingly present and loving to the children. 
These are not subjects one can readily bring up in a Sunday phone call, and I’d like to set the record straight. But how?
— William, via email
Yes, you’re right, this isn’t a matter to be discussed on a weekend “duty” phone call. On the other hand, you don’t want a grand showdown, a let’s-set-the-record-straight lunch, for example. They’ll just feel manipulated, pressurised, even blamed. They may gang up on you, and then you will have made things worse. So what to do?
Regular readers of this column will know I’m a big fan of the written word in helping resolve tangled personal issues. When we write everything down, it helps clarify our thinking and gives us the opportunity to fine-tune what we really want to say. You don’t have to send an email or post a letter until you’re completely happy. 
So compose an email to your children. Open your heart. Tell them how much you love them; how much their opinion of you matters to you. Don’t criticise their mother in any way, and don’t complain about being misrepresented by her. 
I would gently point out that no one really knows what goes on inside someone else’s marriage. Say that things were a lot more complicated than they could possibly know.
When you’ve finished, do not send it. Save it, sleep on it, and review it next day. Make any changes you deem necessary and then send it. Give them time to respond. They’ll want to talk it over. But good luck, William, and be at peace – because you can do no more.
You can find more of Richard Madeley’s advice here or submit your own dilemma below.